Frequently Asked Questions
How long will my grief last?
What can I do to help myself?
Where do I find grief support?
How can I help someone who is grieving?
How long will my grief last?
Most of us would happily accept a neat and tidy timetable for the grief experience. No one enjoys nor looks forward to this kind of journey. Unfortunately, there is no neat and tidy timetable. Grief is messy. It is different for everybody, and it is different for each loss you experience in life. Over time the intensity and duration of some the most difficult aspects of grief will lessen. The key is to focus on the experience itself. There is much to learn as well as opportunity to grow from this journey.
The grief you experience will be carried with you for the rest of your life, but you'll find it comes in small waves and passing moments of memories as time moves forward. It won't always bring with it tears and despair. The memories of love shared and moments experienced with your loved one will carry you through those small waves and passing moments of memory and love. Remember, "love doesn't die, people do."
What can I do to help myself?
A few key ideas to keep in mind...
- Your grief is as unique to you as is your thumbprint.
- Don't let others try to steer you through or past your grief.
- Allow the emotions to come whenever possible.
- Distraction is necessary when you're grieving as long as it does not continually keep you from embracing the experience.
- Be sure to drink plenty of water and to eat a balanced diet.
- Activity is a good release mechanism for anger, restlessness, etc. It can help to elevate your mood.
- Learn about grief. Read a book, attend an educational event, take a class, or talk to someone who has experienced a death too...
- Talk about your loss; share memories; journal; paint or draw; create a small memorial flower bed; put a scrapbook together honoring the life of the deceased.
- Reach out to others and allow them to journey with you.
Where do I find grief support?
Grief support can come in different shapes and sizes. Sometimes having someone to confide in who is able to support, affirm, and validate what you are experiencing can be very helpful. A friend, family member, clergy person, counselor, or co-worker are possible individuals to reach out to.
Grief support can also mean attending a support group. DCH offers Bereavement Care Groups for adults and children (ages 6-13 years).
Our current offerings are...
- Bridges of Hope: a group for adults, who have experienced the death of a spouse, sibling, friend recently. This group is offered several times each year.
- Lunch Group: a daytime social group intended for bereaved spouses that meets once a month at a local restaurant for a "dutch treat" meal.
- First Friday Friends Club: a children's bereavement group for kids ages 6-13 years who have experienced the death of a parent. Meets monthly during the school year.
- Kids' Connection Club: Sandwich area children's bereavement group for kids ages 6-13 years who have experienced the death of a parent. Meets twice a month during the school year.
Please call for more information on these groups and others in the area.
How can I help someone who is grieving?
"What do I say?" "What if I make them cry or upset them in some other way?" "I don't want to be in the way."
These are some of the thoughts that circulate in our minds when we learn that someone we care about has experienced the death of a family member or cherished friend. It's normal to have feelings of ineptness. It's normal to feel like you might not have the skills to offer help, but don't let those feelings stop you from reaching out. If you care about your sorrowing friend or relative, you are qualified to help.
Silence: Early on in grief, silence is ok. Offering a hug or a touch can communicate far more than words. Simply being present conveys to the griever that you care.
Be there: The experiences of grief can leave the griever feeling helpless and at a loss even weeks and months following the death. Attention span, levels of concentration, decision-making are all compromised when we grieve. Being there to provide support and to affirm the experience of the griever is your greatest gift. Admit that you feel helpless too. Don't be quick to offer convenient answers or explanations to questions that are not so easily resolved.
Ideas about helping: If you offer to be of help to the griever, be sure to follow-up with the griever. He or she may not feel comfortable reaching out for help; however, they may be very accepting of concrete offers to help. Bake cookies, write a letter including a memory of the deceased, prepare a meal that can easily be reheated and divided, clean the house, take care of the children, mow the yard. These kinds of help can give the griever a boost of love as well as ease the burden. It helps to create a bond between the two of you.
Listen: No matter what the griever says they are feeling, do your best to not correct it. Being angry, frustrated, or full of feelings of guilt are difficult to hear someone we care about express. Don't let your uncomfortableness direct the griever's need to share how or what he or she is feeling. In order for the griever to begin to process the experiences of their grief, those experiences and feelings need to be articulated. This is how they begin to heal.
Be an echo: When you do offer words, try to reflect what the griever is saying as a means of communicating that you accept what they are going through no matter how difficult.
Can the cliches: Avoid using those out-or-the-box statements... "Time heals all wounds." "It's God's will." "I know how you feel." However, if those cliches are used by the griever, know that it's providing them comfort.
Stay in touch: Many of us feel we need to give the grieving person their space and time alone. This many times causes feelings of abandonment to arise in the griever. Phone calls, Thinking of You cards, and visits can be very helpful.
Grief's timetable: There is no timetable for grief. Be patient.
